Earning it

My entire life has been about earning it.

Whatever "it" was. Grades, accolades, honors, attention, respect, time, love.

And what that boils down to is doing whatever was necessary to be deemed "worthy" of the honor, respect, attention, time, or love of other people in my life.

My teachers and classmates.
My father.
My friends.
My bosses and clients and colleagues.
My ex-husband.
My lovers.

Not feeling worthy as I am has been a hallmark of my life. It has colored, if not driven, every achievement I have set my eyes on. It has shaped and continues to shape every interaction in my life.

With my dad, wanting to be worthy of his love and pride, but realizing I am not capable of changing myself to believe what I would need to believe in order to be fully worthy in his eyes.

With my friends, feeling a need to earn the right to their presence in my life and always feeling an obligation to try to find a space or the right "buy-in" to theirs.

With my lovers, performing and earning my pleasure by making sure they get theirs in a way that blows their minds and makes them overlook the flaws of my body, the body that's making them feel good, moving them to release and pleasure of their own.

By definition, this means that the very essence of who I am, of what makes me tick, is defined by other people. Their expectations, their beliefs, their judgements of my worthiness.

So, then, who AM I?

Who am I when the man I've always sought to make proud of me believes I am fundamentally lacking in a way that I can never bring myself to be?

Who am I when my friends have nothing but excuses not to spend time with me in my world?

Who am I when my lover falls asleep when I am caressing him, trying to show my desire and essentially being rejected?

Who am I when the things I do and the time I spend or invest are simply not enough?

Thumbnail photo of the author by Cheyenne Gil