Where I am now

Since I left my corporate job and began freelancing and entrepreneurial work, I've been able to create the time and space to take a closer look at myself and what I need in my life and the love I have to give—to myself and others. As I take this 40th trip around the sun, I am so happy to have a partner who works every day to ensure that I know love, I know acceptance, that I feel supported and encouraged, that I enjoy laughter and adventure and intimacy and wonder. And every day I endeavor to make sure he knows that I will do all that is within me to help him feel and know all those things for himself and have the space to live his life as his most true, most whole self, just as he does for me.

Something has shifted within me recently. Shifted into place. I can feel it starting to settle in. I went to a retreat recently on the Oregon coast with 11 other amazing humans. There was construction happening next door, so we spent a lot of time talking and laughing about concrete, among other things. About leaving an imprint in a foundation as it solidifies. It's a fitting metaphor for what I'm feeling. I am different than I have ever been. Stronger. More solid and yet so much softer. I am more at ease with myself and in love with my life than I ever have been, and it feels really good. Of course, there are roadblocks and detours along the road. But if there's anything I've learned from the investment (both time and money) I've had the privilege to make in myself through therapy, it's that there is no straight path to the relationship we want to build with ourselves, for ourselves, and for those we love.

I think the biggest change is that I am learning how to be vulnerable and see that so many of the stories I have told myself (or learned from my interactions with others) about myself for nearly four decades of life are simply not true, and I can let them go. I can set them down; they are not mine to carry, if they ever were. I am actively working every day to unlearn many of these stories.

If you haven't yet seen Dr. Brené Brown's Netflix special, "The Call to Courage," I would highly recommend it. There's so much there from many of her books and talks that I had seen previously, but it's a great summation for those who are new to her work on shame and vulnerability. For example, this bit is one that I wrote down and come back to often:

”We're wired for love. We're hard-wired for belonging. It's in our DNA.

The opposite of belonging is fitting in. Fitting in is assessing and acclimating. Here's what I should say, be. Here's what I shouldn't say; here's what I should avoid talking about. Here's what I should dress like, look like. That's fitting in.

Belonging is belonging to yourself first. Speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for other people. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are. It requires you to BE who you are. And that's vulnerable.”

And then this:

”Here's the thing. I'm not going to bullshit you. Vulnerability is hard, and it's scary, and it feels dangerous. But it's not as hard, scary, or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves, 'What if I would've shown up?’”

I've finally started showing up for myself in my life. And it's amazing the shame and fear and guilt I've been able to set down. There's a truth that I keep learning, that there are only ever two motivations for any thought, word, action, or decision: Love and fear. I get to decide whether I act—and live—from a place of love or fear. And a lot of my work is recognizing that choice, deciding that acting out of fear or inflicting the pain of the unhealed wounds I have on others, is no way to live fully. So I choose love.

So that's all a long way of saying that things are so much better than good.

Thumbnail illustration by Mark Basarab on Unsplash