Suck it up

“Suck it up.”

I don’t know how many times I have heard—and said—these three words. But a recent visit with family was the first time I really *heard* the words and was able to recognize—in the moment—just how detrimental these three words have been to me.

They taught me that being strong is paramount. That pain is fleeting, and when it’s not, it’s my duty to pack it away and get on with the business of being strong.

They taught me that emotion is okay...as long as it’s contained. Limited. Time-bound. Tidy.

Fuck that.

Emotion is okay. Period.

Even if it’s not felt quickly and quietly then sucked up. Even—and perhaps especially—when it’s big and loud and messy and unwieldy. When it scares people. When it makes them step back and consider themselves. Even when it makes them run away.

EMOTION DESERVES TO BE FELT.

And seen. And heard. And respected for the importance it has to the one feeling it.

My challenge now is NOT to suck it up. My challenge is to feel it without apologizing for it. To feel it without believing it is too much. To feel it without using it as armor, or worse, using it as a weapon.

My challenge is to be soft in emotion and pain. To be soft and gentle with myself and also with those who have earned the right to share these moments of vulnerability. And to accept with grace that most have not.

My challenge is to create and honor the space necessary to feel big and loud and messy and deep. And to feel quiet and soft and small if that’s what’s best in the moment. To show myself the love that I show everyone else.

I will not suck it up.

Thumbnail photo by the author (Cliffs of Moher, Ireland)